In some instances, enablers are also protecting themselves and/or children from those consequences. The enabled person may be one who is refusing to take on responsibilities he or she would otherwise be expected to take on in the course of age- and stage-appropriate development. The enabled person may be exhibiting a range of poor choices with alcohol and drugs, ranging from abuse to addiction.
How Do You Deal With an Enabler Mother?
One reason enabling persists has to do with a enabled person meaning set of emotional beliefs that support enabling behavior and make a ‘failure’ to enable look like the wrong move. Like most beliefs, none of them are universally wrong or right. Most of them play more towards emotions than to logic, which makes them harder to shake.
Over time, this type of helicopter parenting can prevent the child from building confidence in their abilities. Not all experts agree on the amount of stages when it comes to enabling, but some include denial, compliance, control, and crisis. Overcompensating involves neglecting one’s own needs and taking on the responsibilities and tasks of another person. It keeps both people stuck—one avoiding responsibility and the other carrying more than they should. One of the distinct differences between a helper and an enabler is that a helper does things for others when that person can’t do it themselves. An enabler does things that the person should be able to do for themselves.
- And talk therapy, Dr. Borland suggests, can be helpful for anyone who finds themselves in an enabling situation or who could benefit from developing assertiveness.
- Because the cycle of addiction is difficult to maintain alone, substance users rely on the people closest to them to enable their behaviors.
- You might experience bitterness toward the person you’re “helping.” That resentment can gradually erode the relationship and harm your own mental health.
- For the enabler, this can be emotionally draining and damaging to their self-esteem.
- The spouse who makes excuses for his hungover partner is enabling alcohol abuse.
He or she may gradually accept a self-concept that includes these negative traits, destroying self-esteem. When someone feels like that, a boost from someone else can make all the difference. Once they’ve gone a few times and they’re starting to see results, hopefully they’ll be ready to go on their own.
- It also makes it harder for your loved one to ask for help, even if they know they need help to change.
- If you state a consequence, it’s important to follow through.
- Over time, this behavior can lead to toxic relationships, where one person becomes dependent and less accountable, and the enabler feels trapped or taken advantage of.
- You might lie about why someone missed work or assure family members that “everything’s fine” when it isn’t.
- Supporting someone empowers the person to take active steps in their recovery.
The enabled person may essentially be prevented from building the skills and motivation he or she needs in order to practice responsibility and reach his or her full potential. Because the enabler(s) will always solve problems for them, the enabled person does not learn how to solve their problems themselves. Enablers often have a hard time setting personal boundaries with the person they are enabling. This can lead to situations where the enabler feels like they are being taken advantage of or used. This could also create a scenario where the person experiencing addiction is able to continue to freely engage in substance abuse in their presence. Addicts might make a number of threats if confronted about their problem with substance abuse, such as cutting ties with their family or even performing acts of self-harm.
It often makes it worse since an enabled person has less motivation to make changes if they keep getting help that reduces their need to make change. Families often believe that comforting the substance user is somehow moving them toward change. It is ok to reward positive behavior, and it is never a viable option to reward negative behavior.
Addiction Treatment
One of the biggest risks of being an enabler is that it can end up becoming extremely draining and distressing for both the enabler and the person being enabled. According to studies, overprotective parenting is defined as a parent being overly restrictive in an attempt to protect their child from potential harm or risk. In the desperate stage of enabling, the enabler is primarily motivated by fear. In the innocent enabling stage, a person starts with love and concern for the other person, but they don’t know how to guide or help them. This stage is often filled with guilt, frustration, and overwhelming stress, but it can also be the first step toward acknowledging the need for change and setting healthier boundaries.
This often stems from a desire to keep the peace, diffuse tension, or avoid conflict, even though it continues unhealthy situations. In the compliance stage, the enabler tries to comply or accommodate the other person’s destructive behaviors. Protecting enabling involves shielding the other person from the consequences of their actions.
The side that tells them they do not have to change, and the side that helps them see the need for change. It is common for family members to believe they are helping their addicted loved ones when, in reality, they are acting as enablers. To truly help an addict or an alcoholic, you should be ready, willing, and prepared to address the consequences of substance abuse.
Discover Family First Intervention for Recovery
Your approach will require honesty and boundaries while being able to enforce consequences and accountability. Paying a loved one’s bills or giving them cash—knowing it may fund an addiction or other irresponsible activities—is a classic enabling behavior. By removing the financial consequences, you inadvertently allow them to continue harmful patterns. In other words, enablers detest the behaviors of the enabled, but they fear the consequences of those behaviors even more. Setting boundaries feels like a punishment, a rejection, or an abandonment of the person they love. Enablers may struggle with the guilt they would feel if the person they’re enabling were “left alone” to be hurt and damaged by the real consequences of their actions.
You’re making excuses for problematic behavior
That is, accept that you’ve played a part in perpetuating unacceptable behaviors in your loved one and make a commitment to breaking the cycle. Enabler behavior can have negative consequences for the enabler and the person they’re enabling. It’s basically a lose-lose situation for everyone involved. Learning how to identify the main signs can help you prevent and stop enabling behaviors in your relationships.
Enabling usually refers to patterns that appear in the context of drug or alcohol misuse and addiction. This can be a difficult situation to break free from, as many enablers feel guilty about cutting off support. People who could be considered enablers to another’s substance abuse may not be knowingly enabling their loved ones.
Family members often fear that if they directly address their loved one’s addiction, it will create serious conflict. When a family is in the grip of another’s addiction, the primary enabler often puts all of their attention on the substance user. This causes maladaptive coping skills and unhealthy roles to form. Rather than therapeutically confront the cause or the person who is giving all of their time to the substance user, family members often focus on the addiction. This can move the focus off of the ever growing problem which is within the family system. An enabler will almost always change their behaviors when the rest of the family holds them accountable with consequences and changed behaviors.
Motivations Behind Enabling Behavior
They often step in to fix problems, shield loved ones from consequences, or avoid conflict, even when it causes them stress or exhaustion. Someone with an enabler personality has a desire to help others, so much so that they would help them even when their behaviors can harm them. Enabling can look like being a cover up for others, helping them avoid taking responsibility for their own actions, or feeling too nervous to set boundaries.
So some people will try to help by shielding the person from the consequences. For example, you could let your depressed friend sleep on your couch without having to pay rent. Now it doesn’t matter if they can’t hold down a job, because at least they know they have a place to sleep. When you’re not sure if you’re doing the best thing or what to do next, try coming back to the concept of boundaries. Enabling behaviors lack boundaries and perpetuate the problem.
Failing to Enforce Boundaries
And talk therapy, Dr. Borland suggests, can be helpful for anyone who finds themselves in an enabling situation or who could benefit from developing assertiveness. “When you’re on the inside of an enabling dynamic, most people will think they’re just doing what’s best, that they’re being selfless or virtuous. In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves,” Dr. Borland explains. When helping becomes a way of avoiding a seemingly inevitable discomfort, it’s a sign that you’ve crossed over into enabling behavior.